Take your no-carb diets and shove it up your ass. Today we celebrate the greatest food item in any known universe. The glorious pancake.
Just close your eyes and imagine a stack of warm, moist, and inviting circles of griddled deliciousness. Then cover them in Vermont’s finest maple syrup, add a couple of pats of salted butter, and you’ve got a party in your mouth and everybody’s invited.
To celebrate, the folks at IHOP are offering FREE cakes today to anyone who comes in and takes the 50/50 chance at food poisoning. Not to pile on IHOP, but the management at L.A. Balls had a bad experience that ended in some serious time on the commode.
L.A. Balls Top Pancakes:
– Barnacles Bar and Grill (seriously).
– CJ’s Pantry’s Pumpkin Pancakes. I would shank you to get to these.
Lindsay Lohan’s partying days are over. Unless she’s out partying.
LiLo tells Sun magazine she hit rock bottom, “I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to.”
Awesome. So you’re sober? Not exactly. She says, “”I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits.” You know your limits? Like a three-day coke bender is over the top, but pounding down a fifth of Jack is OK?
Look for LiLo returning to a rehab center near you.
Vancouver – Now that’s good hockey. The boys who pulled off the “Miracle On Ice” would be proud. A young U.S. team, beating a Canadian squad full of NHL stars. Unreal goal tending by America’s Ryan Miller. Plenty of physical, teeth shattering hits by men who don’t have any teeth. And most importantly, good ole’ fashioned jingoistic fervor that only the Olympics can produce.
USA moves on to the quarterfinal round with a extra day of rest. The Canadian team has to ponder how they lost to the damn Americans and their crazy capitalist health care system.
But if you missed tonight’s USA vs. Canada men’s hockey game, don’t beat yourself up. The geniuses at NBC made every effort to ensure you didn’t see it by sticking it on MSNBC. Great move. You are struggling to get more than seven people to watch NHL Game of the Week on NBC. Naturally, you put the best game of the season on cable’s LEAST watched news network. Is the gold medal round on CSPAN?
I guess after the Conan/Leno debacle, they hadn’t screwed anything up in a few weeks, so they were itching to prove their stupidity. Job well done.
Oh well, at least we saw the Czech Republic take on Team Russia on the network feed.
You know what this means? Sean Hannity is right.* President Obama is turning us all into a bunch of commies.
If you missed the 13 1/2 minute Tiger Woods PR meeting this morning, I’ll save you the trouble. Below are the highlights, along with handy translations for those of you who don’t speak fluent bullsh*t.
Tiger: “I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.”
Translation: “F*ck. I got caught.”
Tiger: “As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time.”
Trans.: “F*ck. This is going to cost me a sh*tload of cash. How much do billionaires pay in alimony?”
Tiger: “There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.”
Trans.: “Elin, I promsie that hepatitis B isn’t that bad. ”
Tiger: ” I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply.”
Trans.: “I still think that shagging porn stars without a condom is a great idea. What could go wrong?”
Tiger: “I don’t get to play by different rules.”
Trans.: “Of course I do. I’m rich. Is the the guy in the blue shirt looking me in the eye? I’ll have him killed later.”
Tiger: “Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology.”
Trans.: “Tiger Woods kids apparel now 30% off. Buy it.”
Tiger: “For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing.”
Trans.: “There it is — the victim card bitches! I’m sick. I need help. These PR guys are damn smart. I’ll be back banging Denny’s waitresses by June.”
Tiger: “I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age.”
Trans.: “PR a-holes told me I had to play the religion card too. Problem is this room is full of white people. Bet 90% think Buddha is the low fat version of General Tso’s Chicken.”
Tiger: “I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.”
Trans.: “Coming back April 6th for the Masters. I’ll be cured by then. Or at least will have taken enough penicillin to make it stop burning when I pee.”
Tiger: “I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life.”
Trans.: “Don’t get cute. You’ll all be licking my ass again.”
Tiger: “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.”
Trans.: “I ask you to find room in your heart … to buy all the crap with my logo on it. After Elin gets $300M, and I pay off all these hookers, I’ll need the cash.”
Tonight at Staples Center, the Lakers and Celtics will renew the greatest rivalry in the NBA. For the modern NBA fan, the concept of team rivalries may be foreign. But the truth is, Boston/LA is as good as it gets. Yes, it’s better than Kobe vs. Lebron. Lebron vs. Wade, and Chuck Nevitt versus the bench.
But tonight, a little of luster has been stolen from this age old clash. Boston limps in a shell of their championship form of two years ago. KG looks like Travis Knight could give him a run, and Paul Pierce still hasn’t worked out once in an 11 year NBA career. Seriously, is there a flabbier professional athlete this side of LeDale White? And this is a fat guy talking.
This is an absolute must win for the Celtics, especially since Kobe Bryant probably won’t play. And the Lakers? If the Kobeless Lakers are motivated, they should still win this game. In the last four, Pau Gasol has looked like an MVP candidate, and Shannon Brown is making us forget his dunk contest suckfest. And if they lose? It doesn’t matter. No Kobe. No pressure.
The Celtics. All pressure. If they lose to the L.A. tonight with Kobe’s ankle on ice, they’re deader then Tiger Woods in a room full of hookers.
Tiger Woods is finally coming out of his hole. So to speak.
"Yes, I've taken douchiness to a whole new level"
His royal highness has consented to come off the mountain top and end his nearly three month isolation. But, not really.
The words of his agent, Mark Steinberg, “This is not a press conference.”
So in front of one pool camera and a select group of “friends” (i.e. lackeys and “yes” men), Tiger will tell us all how sorry he is for getting caught, errrrr, cheating on his wife. But don’t expect him to look us in the eye. We’re not worthy of that.
And that’s what this is really all about. Tiger’s only doing this because he has to. Because he’s trying to save his billion dollar brand.
Save it. Just go back to playing golf, and banging skanks bareback. It’s what you’d still be doing if you hadn’t wrapped your car around a tree anyway.
It’s better than some bullsh*t apology that only the Golf Channel, CBS Sports and Nike really want to hear.
L.A. Balls 