The Lakers Will Suck Until Kobe Bryant Retires

I don’t play well with others

The Lakers suck. Live it, learn it, love it. The Lakers suck because of Kobe Bryant. There I said it. Whew! That’s a load off my mind. But then you already knew Kobe was the anchor didn’t you? Yes, you did.

Before we continue, a little review. Where we came from, where we are, and where we’re going.

Prior to the season’s start, Kobe sprayed his scent all over the place, insisting back in October, he’s still the BMOC. At Lakers media day, Kobe told the assembled throngs, “I got a question earlier about whose team this is. I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team.”

If it’s your team Kobe, your team is really shitty.

But if you ask him what’s wrong, the buck never stops at Kobe. No, Dwight Howard doesn’t know what it takes, Pau has to get back in shape, they haven’t learned to play together, blah blah blah blah …

Try this one on for size. In the last four games Dwight Howard has a combined EIGHT field goal attempts in the final quarter of those games. Combined. Just so we’re all on the same page, Howard is shooting 57% from the field this season. No surprise, the Lakers are an 1-3 in that stretch, which includes losses to lowly Washington, and crappy Phoenix.

I’m not a huge stats guy, so naturally, here’s some stats.

In 30 games this season when Bryant took less than 20 shots, L.A. is a tidy 21-9. The games where he takes more than 25 shots, the Lakers are a depressing 3-11. Less Kobe means more wins. Less Kobe equals happy fans. Less Kobe means I drink a little less.

If you don’t believe me, the team will tell you the story. Check out this possession at the end of the pile of crap that was the Warriors loss on March 25th.

The first nine seconds look fairly NBA’ish. Then the ball comes to Kobe and it all turns to shit. Yeah the air ball was garbage, but it’s what happens after that is really frightening. Steve Blake grabs the rebound, and you can smell the fear. His soul screaming, “I’ve got to get this ball back to Kobe or he’s going to make me carry his luggage again.”

Blake runs the ball to Kobe, and the end result, a 30-footer that barely hits the rim. On the other side of the play, two Hall of Fame players have their collective thumbs up their asses. Dwight Howard can be seen making calls to real estate agents in Brooklyn, and Steve Nash is doing . . . whatever Canadians do.

I’ve tried to lay out the argument here using facts, using video, and using logic. But I didn’t have to, did I? Because every Lakers fan already knows the inescapable, undeniable truth. Kobe is what ails your beloved team. Remember, I’m just the messenger. And don’t worry. LeBron James can become a free agent in 2014. We’ll see you here in about a year King.

NCAA Tourney Brackets. Time to Fling Some Poo Against The Wall

"Dude, you always take all the #12 seeds!"

March Madness.  College basketball this time of the year means one thing … gambling.

Don’t be fooled by any of the bullsh*t you hear from CBS Sports this month about the purity of competition by student athletes, history of the game, blah, blah blah….

One thing drives the popularity of the tourney, and it’s those insidious little sheets of paper sprawled across offices all over the country.  Those 64 slots that we whittle down to one, and the $20, winner take all prize.  That’s why America cares.

I know that college basketball is a great game with a huge following.  But seriously, think about what happens this time of year.   Your wife, girlfriend, co-worker you made out with at the Christmas party,  is asking you where the hell Butler University is and what the team colors are (Indianapolis, blue & white).

That’s what makes the NCAA tournament transcendent.  Because everybody watches.  And everybody watches because mama needs a new pair of shoes.

Laker Fans, The Sky Is Falling!

Aren't you Khloe's husband?

The Lakers 15th loss of the season looked much like the 14 that have come before it.   Kobe shooting too much and dominating the ball.  Derek Fisher looking slow and old.  And aside from Lamar Odam, who plays starter minutes, they got absolutely NOTHING from the bench.  Nothing besides Adam Morrison’s awesome porn ‘stache.

L.A. was outhustled and outplayed in every facet of the game in their 101-96 loss at the Dallas Mavericks Wednesday night. Dirk Nowitzki played to his MVP form of three years ago, and Jason Terry off the bench was unstoppable.

So have the Mavericks closed the gap and are the Lakers reeling?

Yes … and no.

Dallas’ trade deadline deal for Caron Butler makes them more dangerous to San Antonio and Denver.  But in a 7-game series, the Lakers still have too much depth for the Mavericks.

Wednesday’s game was the second of a back-to-back.  Kobe looked tired in the 4th quarter, as his 2-6 shooting performance will attest.  And at times, L.A. simply played flat.

L.A. will win the West, but it will be a bumpy and uneven ride.  More than anything else, their title hopes rest on them getting 100% healthy by playoff time.

The Black Mamba is still … mamba’ish. And black.

Mamba Strike!

No Kobe.  No problem.  The Lakers went 4-1 playing fantastic basketball without him.  But you know what?  It wasn’t this fun.

Kobe returned from his 18-day absence to push L.A. to a 99-98 victory against the stunned Memphis Grizzlies.  The difference was Mamba’s go-ahead 3-p0inter with 4.3 seconds to go. Along the way, he added a total of 32 points, 7 boards, 6 assists and 3 steals.  And by the way, the Lakers played their worst game in two weeks.

L.A. turned the ball over 17 times, played some shoddy defense, and generally were out hustled by Memphis.  And I don’t care.  Because the Lakers aren’t going to win a title without Kobe.  With him, they’ll be games where they stand around and watch 24, sequence after sequence.  The ball won’t move, the offense will struggle, and they’ll let teams hang around that they should blow out.   But most of those games will be Laker victories, if for no other reason, in the last 2 minutes of a basketball game, the Mamba rules.

Lakers vs. Celtics. Always a big deal. Even when it’s not. Like tonight.

Magic vs. Larry.  Damn.

Kobe vs. KG.   Double damn.

Pau vs. Paul.  I guess it’s all we got.

Tonight at Staples Center, the Lakers and Celtics will renew the greatest rivalry in the NBA.  For the modern NBA fan, the concept of team rivalries may be foreign.  But the truth is,  Boston/LA is as good as it gets.   Yes, it’s better than Kobe vs. Lebron.  Lebron vs.  Wade, and Chuck Nevitt versus the bench.

But tonight, a little of luster has been stolen from this age old clash.  Boston limps in a shell of their championship form of two years ago.  KG looks like Travis Knight could give him a run, and Paul Pierce still hasn’t worked out once in an 11 year NBA career.  Seriously, is there a flabbier professional athlete this side of LeDale White?  And this is a fat guy talking.

This is an absolute must win for the Celtics, especially since Kobe Bryant probably won’t play.   And the Lakers?  If the Kobeless Lakers are motivated, they should still win this game.  In the last four, Pau Gasol has looked like an MVP candidate, and Shannon Brown is making us forget his dunk contest suckfest.  And if they lose?  It doesn’t matter.  No Kobe.  No pressure.

The Celtics.  All pressure.  If they lose to the L.A. tonight with Kobe’s ankle on ice, they’re deader then Tiger Woods in a room full of hookers.

Fatty, lift one dumbbell. I dare you.