Tiger Pill Popping? What’s Next? Addicted To Coffee Enemas?

First, he can’t stop having sex with porn stars bareback.   The porn star sex I’m all for.  Without protection, it’s just plain nauseating.

Now, he’s gone Rush Limbaugh on us.  The Enquirer is reporting that Tiger says a lot of his sex problems stem from impaired judgement caused by addiction to painkillers and Ambien.

Well look at that!  The big strong Tiger sure knows how to play the victim card.   What’s next?  The reason he’s misses putts at the Masters because he’s so distraught by the earthquake in Haiti?  Look, I understand that addiction is a terrible disease.   It destroys lives and families.  But between the sex addiction and this story, it reeks of a PR firm trying to turn the story away from Tiger as the bad guy, and into the victim role.

And normally wouldn’t post an Enquirer story, but they’ll probably win the Pulitzer this year for the John Edwards story.  So for now, they get the benefit of the doubt.

I'm all itchy!

BREAKING NEWS! Finland Sucks. USA Hockey Up 6-0 After Two Periods.

At least the Fins still boast insanely hot woman, a love for lingonberries (what the hell is a lingonberry?), and a whole ton of white people.

This ass kicking will most likely set up a rematch with Team Canada in the gold medal round. Down with America’s Hat!

Helsinki can bite me

Brazil, You Confuse Me. Hilton Ad Deemed Too Spicy. Didn’t The Country Just Finish A Yearly Orgy?

Rio – A Brazilian official with a fantastic title “Secretariat for Women’s Affairs” says this beer ad featuring everybody’s favorite sex tape starlet is too sensual.

Huh? The ad for Devassa beer, features a fully clothed Paris Hilton (lame) rubbing a beer can all over her tight, pampered body. But by any standards, this ad is tame.

Here’s what makes no sense. Brazil’s Carnival is essentially a week long bacchanalia of booze, sex, and parades of naked people. And Paris Hilton in a mini-skirt is too far? South Americans are weird.

Facebook Hostage Crisis!

New York – Moral to this story:  For some people domestic violence is forgivable, but the Facebook account is sacred.

Paul Franco is accused of holding his ex-girlfriend Jessica Zamora-Anderson’s Facebook account ransom for $390 dollars, and  changing her sexual preference to gay.  That last part is cool.

Separately, he also made a sex tape of them with out her knowledge and allegedly physically assaulted her in November of 2009.  Now apparently getting beat up was OK, because Jessica got back together with him after the assault.  But this time, ‘ole Franco went too far!  You can beat the sh*t out of me, but don’t screw with the Facebook account!

Zamora-Anderson says, “It’s destroyed my life.”  Adding, “He changed all of my personal information and said I was interested in women. I got a lot of requests for relationships with women — and he was the one accepting them.”  Ok, Franco is a total dirtbag, but that’s kinda awesome.

So for the Facebook heist, she went to the police and had him charged with coercion and harassment.

My only question here is this: Can he come to California and hijack some of my friends Facebook accounts?  Especially the ones who send me farming, mafia wars, and what their kids had for dinner bullsh*t.  Stop it.  Please.

Social Neworking Gone Bad

Olympic Hottie Catfight. Go America.

Angry Hottie Lindsey Vaughn

Angry Hottie Julia Mancuso

Laker Fans, The Sky Is Falling!

Aren't you Khloe's husband?

The Lakers 15th loss of the season looked much like the 14 that have come before it.   Kobe shooting too much and dominating the ball.  Derek Fisher looking slow and old.  And aside from Lamar Odam, who plays starter minutes, they got absolutely NOTHING from the bench.  Nothing besides Adam Morrison’s awesome porn ‘stache.

L.A. was outhustled and outplayed in every facet of the game in their 101-96 loss at the Dallas Mavericks Wednesday night. Dirk Nowitzki played to his MVP form of three years ago, and Jason Terry off the bench was unstoppable.

So have the Mavericks closed the gap and are the Lakers reeling?

Yes … and no.

Dallas’ trade deadline deal for Caron Butler makes them more dangerous to San Antonio and Denver.  But in a 7-game series, the Lakers still have too much depth for the Mavericks.

Wednesday’s game was the second of a back-to-back.  Kobe looked tired in the 4th quarter, as his 2-6 shooting performance will attest.  And at times, L.A. simply played flat.

L.A. will win the West, but it will be a bumpy and uneven ride.  More than anything else, their title hopes rest on them getting 100% healthy by playoff time.

Hummer Shutdown. Thank God This Isn’t What I Thought It Was.

"Damn, round eye make some sh*tty cars."

Detroit – GM is finally discontinuing this sign of ultimate douchiness.  In the late ’90’s and early 2000’s, the Hummer was the pinnacle car of tiny penises, and eventually became the symbol of GM’s bloated, soon-to-be bankrupt carcass.  Too bad for GM shareholders this move comes about 10 years too late.

The geniuses in Detroit tried to pawn off the brand to the Chinese, but couldn’t get the deal done.  I can only imagine what the Hummer would have morphed into in the hands of the wacky Chinese.   They would renamed it the “Super Happy Lucky Dragon Jumbo Auto Roller”, increased it in size about 10 fold, and made sure it burned enough fossil fuels to bring about the next ice age in a month.  I would have like to have seen that.

Even Satan Doesn’t Want Cheney Yet. Released From Hospital After 5th Heart Attack.

Can't wait for #6

Washington, D.C. – Five heart attacks?  Holy crap.  Or in Cheney’s case, un-holy crap.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from a Washington, D.C. hospital this morning after getting treatment for his fifth cardiac incident.  His aides describe the heart attack as “mild”.

Mild? How in the hell can a heart attack be mild?  That’s like describing being shot in the face as “minor reconstructive surgery”.  Oh, part your heart muscle died, but that’s okay, it’s mild.

Unconfirmed reports from the 7th Level of Hell quoted Lucifer as saying, “Dude, you can keep him.  That f*cker is crazy.”

The Black Mamba is still … mamba’ish. And black.

Mamba Strike!

No Kobe.  No problem.  The Lakers went 4-1 playing fantastic basketball without him.  But you know what?  It wasn’t this fun.

Kobe returned from his 18-day absence to push L.A. to a 99-98 victory against the stunned Memphis Grizzlies.  The difference was Mamba’s go-ahead 3-p0inter with 4.3 seconds to go. Along the way, he added a total of 32 points, 7 boards, 6 assists and 3 steals.  And by the way, the Lakers played their worst game in two weeks.

L.A. turned the ball over 17 times, played some shoddy defense, and generally were out hustled by Memphis.  And I don’t care.  Because the Lakers aren’t going to win a title without Kobe.  With him, they’ll be games where they stand around and watch 24, sequence after sequence.  The ball won’t move, the offense will struggle, and they’ll let teams hang around that they should blow out.   But most of those games will be Laker victories, if for no other reason, in the last 2 minutes of a basketball game, the Mamba rules.

iPhone doesn’t want porn. I do.

Apple is trying to keep the sexy out of your iPhone.

They are doing away many apps that could have sexual material.   One developer is claiming Apple told them “bikini photos, skin, sexual connotations or innuendo, and anything potentially sexually arousing is now forbidden.”

There are however, notable exceptions to this policy.  Including Playboy, Victoria’s Secret and FHM.  So if you’re a big corporation with lots of cash, sex up your apps all you want.  Small guys, keep it clean.

Obviously it’s not about smut, but about money.  Because you can just open up your web-browser and jump on to PornHub from your iPhone anyway.  Or YouJizz.  Or RedTube.  Or SmutBox.  Or SpankWire.*

*L.A. Balls is not condoning any of the content on this sites.  Just recommending them.

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