California Senator Mark Leno has an idea. Keep bars open later in the Golden State. As late as 4 a.m. depending on the city. That sounds really stupid.
To be clear, I’m not on the wagon. Far from it. Actually, I would list a good stiff cocktail as one of the true joys in life.
But follow me on this one. How many times have you opened your eyes on a blurry Sunday morning, head pounding, eyes hurting, and proclaimed, “If only I had 2 more hours at the bar, I could be swimming in my own vomit right now.” Or maybe mused, “If I just had 45 more minutes of tequila shots, I could have gone home with someone even uglier than the heaving goat sleeping next to me.” Right, its never happened.
I’m all for getting good and f*cked up. But if you can’t do it by 2 a.m., you aren’t trying hard enough.
There is so much to love about politics these days. Obviously I’m not talking about the decisive action and inspiring leadership. No, it appears our elected officials have become masters of hypocrisy.
The latest to show off his true colors is Utah’s House majority leader, Republican Kevin Garn. The 55-year old white guy (as if there were any question here) admitted that he paid a woman $150,000 to shut her yap about a naked “hot-tubbing” incident. Ed. note: There is no better phrase on this planet than “naked hot-tubbing incident”. So why the hush money? When the “hot-tubbing” in question occurred, the girl was a ripe and ready … 15 years old. Whoops. Garn says the being in a hot tub with a a high schooler was a “spur of the moment” thing.” “We sat there and that was it,” Garn said.
I believe that. Don’t you?
The cash was doled out back in 2002 during an unsuccessful U.S. congressional bid. Now he claims he’s coming forward because the woman has been calling news outlets with the story. No doubt she wanted more cash, Garn said no, and now she’s pissed. Karma is a bitch.
How is this playing out in Utah, the bosom of the Mormon Church? Not so good. The Salt Lake Tribune is calling for his resignation. And rumors are that the Joseph Smith is calling for him to turn in his special underwear and three of his seven wives.
And his political party? The GOP doesn’t care. Just another morally upstanding Republican who is a closet degenerate. Love it.
Sacramento – This is the story of a man. A man who’s taken a stand as an elected official. A man with stout conservative morals, and gosh darn Tea Party values. And probably a hell of a shoe collection.
Our hero is Roy Ashburn. The 55-year old is a conservative California state senator from the fine town of Bakersfield. Unfortunately our protagonist has run afoul of the law. On Wednesday morning, Ashburn was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Police reports show his blood alcohol level was .14, well above the legal limit. Definitely not a first for a politician. But the story doesn’t end here. In the following days, we’ve discovered that Ashburn got sloshed in the most unexpected of places. Not at the country club as you might expect from a crusty old white guy. But at Sacramento night club Faces. Faces is a largely gay (and probably fabulous) hot spot in our state’s capital. Now here’s where it get’s dicey for Roy.
Serving the state senate since 1996, Ashburn has compiled one of the strongest anti-gay records in the legislature. He’s consistently voted against gay marriage rights, and other bills involving gay, bisexual, and transgender issues. I guess irony is Ashburn has the freedom to vote however he wants. Even if it limits the rights of his own voting bloc.
This reportedly is not an isolated incident. The openly gay mayor of West Sacramento Christopher Cabaldon, says he’s often seen Roy out tripping the light super fantastic all over the gay scene. Cabaldon said he’s also seen our GOP stalwart at the Badlands* and The Depot, two more openly gay clubs.
Roy did not report to the state capitol for work since Tuesday, and now is taking a leave of absence.
So what are we to make of all this? It’s easy to call Roy a liar, a hypocrite, and a fraud. And I just did. But the sad truth is that Ashburn is probably a very conflicted man with a decade’s worth of therapy ahead of him. He’s betrayed not only the his right-wing constituency, but his left-wing brothers in fashion, good looks, and keen senses of quality window treatments. Roy is probably at this very moment, sitting in his home, listening to a Cher album, wondering how his life became unraveled. When you lie for a living, karma will hunt you down.
*Ed. note: a gay club named the Badlands kinda scares me. I’m imagining a harsh, super tough, kinda Mad Max wasteland of leather and bad intention.
For a regular gal, good ole Sarah seems to have really taken to the world of those “Hollywood elites” she always talking about. She’s making the rounds in L.A., peddling a reality show about her beloved home state of Alaska. You know, the same state she quit on to get out of the public light … so she could plaster her face all over Fox News and sell books.
What exactly would a show about Alaska be about? Gun toting nut jobs like her? A 24-web cam of the Alaskan pipeline? Following killer whale pods as they hunt down Sea World trainers? That one may have been too soon.
Her partner in this proposed ratings buster is the man responsible for Survivor, Mark Burnett. So here’s my suggestion. We have a show where Palin is dropped on a deserted island … and that’s it. I call that a happy ending.
Jim Bunning’s (R – Kentucky) Senate filibuster of the extension of unemployment benefits is widely regarded as the symbol of all that’s gone wrong with politics. Reports are that this crusty old white guy from the South told a fellow Senator “tough sh*t”, when asked to end his opposition. Opposition not even supported by his own party. Who says civility is gone from Capitol Hill?
Russian President Vladimir Putin Dmitry Medvedev is not happy.
His country’s worst Olympic showing in 100 years has Medvedev rolling heads. He’s calling for the resignation of his nation’s Olympic officials, and put the blame on “sports bureaucrats” for the paltry 15 medals collected.
No Russian Olympic team had done this poorly since 1912.
This means one thing. Expect the return of good old fashioned Soviet athletics in four years. Especially with the 2014 games on home turf in Sochi. The woman will look like men, and the men will have steroid needles falling out of their bobsleds. I wouldn’t be surprised if Putin Medvedev announces BALCO’s Victor Conte as the new head of Russia’s Olympic program.
All that’s left is for Ivan Drago to make a comeback. But only if his flattop is still a symbol of Soviet perfection.
Washington, D.C. – Five heart attacks? Holy crap. Or in Cheney’s case, un-holy crap.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from a Washington, D.C. hospital this morning after getting treatment for his fifth cardiac incident. His aides describe the heart attack as “mild”.
Mild? How in the hell can a heart attack be mild? That’s like describing being shot in the face as “minor reconstructive surgery”. Oh, part your heart muscle died, but that’s okay, it’s mild.
Unconfirmed reports from the 7th Level of Hell quoted Lucifer as saying, “Dude, you can keep him. That f*cker is crazy.”
L.A. Balls 