'Roid rage is so liberating!

The friendly folks at Deadspin.com have unearthed another good one. In a nutshell, if you thought that Usain Bolt’s superhuman speed was … well … superhuman, you might be right.

Turns out Bolt (along with boxer Juan Manuel Marquez), has been training with a man at the center of the BALCO steroid scandal, Angel Hernandez.  Hernandez used to be known as Angel “Memo” Heredia, and he’s closely associated with Barry Bond’s giant head, Marion Jones’ gap teeth, and Bill Romanowski’s shrunken testicles.

Grain of salt, the man who outted Heredia as a steriod is none other than Victor Conte, Mr. Balco himself,  so take that for what it’s worth.

So, if Usain Bolt runs the 100 meters at light speed at the London Olympics next summer, take that with a second grain of salt.

xoxo – Balls

He got Wheaties

Yes the Balls has been on hiatus.  But sometimes your Balls needs rest.  Now my Balls are back.  Can I take this any further?  No.

Now to the business at hand.

Ron Artest.  He needs the following.  1) Reality Show  2) Network sitcom  3) Morning talk show 4) Seven more shrinks.

Why?  Watch the video below.  Twice.

Where the f*ck is a tanning bed?

Toby Gerhart is a victim of racism. This should come as a shock to my readers.  Most of the time, Stanford educated white guys don’t really have a lot of discrimination in their lives. But Toby is different. Not in a “I have two-dads” kinda way.  No.  The fates were much more spiteful to Toby.  Toby is different because he’s the most grotesque of human beings … a white running back.

Quick!  Name the last great white running back.  Too late.   The answer is John Riggins.  He retired in 1985.  Reagan was President.  After that, it’s been pretty lean for the crackers.

What’s the knock on Toby?  Take a look at this shitty resume.   He should have won the Heisman Trophy this year.  Yes he should have.  Suck it you East Coast d-bags.   He ran for over 1,800 yards and 27 touchdowns.  At the scouting combine he ran a 4.50 in the 40-yard dash.   He was so overpowering in Stanford’s biggest win of the year against USC, the Cardinal lined up in the same formation and ran essentially the same play at the end of the game… 11 STRAIGHT TIMES.

So what’s the problem?  The problem is … the dude is just too f*cking white!   Genetically, white people are unable to play running back.  Not athletic enough.  Not fast enough.   Lack quicks.   And they don’t have the extra hamstring that most African-American running backs are born with.  Incidentally, Christian Okoye, the old Kansas City running back of Nigerian decent, had two extra hamstrings.

Listen, Toby will have a great career at fullback or some other position that requires less speed.  Then he can become a coach, or maybe go into business, because white people are good at that too.   But sorry Toby.   Come this Thursday when the NFL Draft takes place, you’ll be passed up for lesser players who happen to have a better tan.  You lack the melanin to make it as a running back in the NFL.   Sad.

Out of nowhere, actress Anna Paquin came out to the world, announcing she is bisexual. The venue she chose was a PSA for the Give a Damn Campaign, started by Celebrity Apprentice lackey, Cyndi Lauper. Didn’t she use to do something else?

While I should be paying attention to the message of equality and tolerance, I can’t take my thoughts away Paquin hitting from both sides of the plate. She’s hot.

Getting old sucks balls Kevin Garnett. So does getting packed by a honky with a giant nose.

Gotta love any pain endured by a Celtic.

It still burns when I pee

If you had any doubt that Tiger Woods would be back, those thoughts should be erased today.  The omnipresent TMZ says Tiger shot is first Nike commercial since he banged everybody in the world on Thursday.  The shoot took place near his home in Florida, and TMZ says he was in-and-out in no time.  That’s what she said.  And insert “Just Do It” jokes here.

It got me thinking.  With the mass exodus of Tiger’s sponsors, who going to fill the void?

1. Valtrex.  I just would love to see him talking about his outbreaks in the media tent of a golf tournament.  And I think his black golf bag would look great with a Valtrex logo.

2. Passages Recovery Center.  Tiger can detail his 12-steps to complete douchbaggery.

3. Trojan.  Seems like a no-brainer.  Except he doesn’t use the product.

4. Larry H. Parker.  He’s going to need a good attorney when Elin is done with him.

5. Bunny Ranch.  Buy 10 hookers, get the 11th free.

I see my house

Check out the photo above.

What do you think it would take to snap that pic?  If you’re NASA, billions of dollars and bureaucracy the size of Greece’s national debt.  If you’re Brit Robert Harrison, you need a digital camera, duct tape (of course),  and a weather balloon.

Harrison figured out a way to turn those basic elements into these amazing shots.  Even the so-called pros are flabbergasted,  “A guy phoned up who worked for NASA. He wanted to know how the hell we did it,” Harrison tells the London Times.  “He thought we used a rocket. They said it would have cost them millions of dollars.”  And it would have.

This proves one thing.  Duct tape once again has cemented its place as the greatest substance known to man.

NASA ... Suck on this

Going to shoot some serious aerial porn

It's good to be the king

It appears Tim Tebow’s peers aren’t as enamoured with the chosen one as members of the media.

If you’ll recall, Saint Tebow went through a serious ball washing his last year at Florida, especially around bowl time.

But today’s reports are that Timmy got a different reception at the recent NFL combine in Indianapolis.  Right before the Wonderlic intelligence test, his holy Quarterbackness asked his fellow NFL hopefuls to join him in a prayer.  The answer from an unidentified source was a resounding, “Shut the fuck up.” Laughter ensued.  Welcome to the league.   You’re not in Gainesville anymore.

What’s the lesson here?  Keep the Jesus, Buddah, Allah, or Xenu to yourself until you start winning pro football games.  When that happens, you’ll be able to do and say whatever you want.  Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.

"Dude, you always take all the #12 seeds!"

March Madness.  College basketball this time of the year means one thing … gambling.

Don’t be fooled by any of the bullsh*t you hear from CBS Sports this month about the purity of competition by student athletes, history of the game, blah, blah blah….

One thing drives the popularity of the tourney, and it’s those insidious little sheets of paper sprawled across offices all over the country.  Those 64 slots that we whittle down to one, and the $20, winner take all prize.  That’s why America cares.

I know that college basketball is a great game with a huge following.  But seriously, think about what happens this time of year.   Your wife, girlfriend, co-worker you made out with at the Christmas party,  is asking you where the hell Butler University is and what the team colors are (Indianapolis, blue & white).

That’s what makes the NCAA tournament transcendent.  Because everybody watches.  And everybody watches because mama needs a new pair of shoes.