Where the f*ck is a tanning bed?
Toby Gerhart is a victim of racism. This should come as a shock to my readers. Most of the time, Stanford educated white guys don’t really have a lot of discrimination in their lives. But Toby is different. Not in a “I have two-dads” kinda way. No. The fates were much more spiteful to Toby. Toby is different because he’s the most grotesque of human beings … a white running back.
Quick! Name the last great white running back. Too late. The answer is John Riggins. He retired in 1985. Reagan was President. After that, it’s been pretty lean for the crackers.
What’s the knock on Toby? Take a look at this shitty resume. He should have won the Heisman Trophy this year. Yes he should have. Suck it you East Coast d-bags. He ran for over 1,800 yards and 27 touchdowns. At the scouting combine he ran a 4.50 in the 40-yard dash. He was so overpowering in Stanford’s biggest win of the year against USC, the Cardinal lined up in the same formation and ran essentially the same play at the end of the game… 11 STRAIGHT TIMES.
So what’s the problem? The problem is … the dude is just too f*cking white! Genetically, white people are unable to play running back. Not athletic enough. Not fast enough. Lack quicks. And they don’t have the extra hamstring that most African-American running backs are born with. Incidentally, Christian Okoye, the old Kansas City running back of Nigerian decent, had two extra hamstrings.
Listen, Toby will have a great career at fullback or some other position that requires less speed. Then he can become a coach, or maybe go into business, because white people are good at that too. But sorry Toby. Come this Thursday when the NFL Draft takes place, you’ll be passed up for lesser players who happen to have a better tan. You lack the melanin to make it as a running back in the NFL. Sad.
