Monthly Archives: March 2010

Tiger Shoots New Commerical. Doesn’t Wrap On Set Either

It still burns when I pee

If you had any doubt that Tiger Woods would be back, those thoughts should be erased today.  The omnipresent TMZ says Tiger shot is first Nike commercial since he banged everybody in the world on Thursday.  The shoot took place near his home in Florida, and TMZ says he was in-and-out in no time.  That’s what she said.  And insert “Just Do It” jokes here.

It got me thinking.  With the mass exodus of Tiger’s sponsors, who going to fill the void?

1. Valtrex.  I just would love to see him talking about his outbreaks in the media tent of a golf tournament.  And I think his black golf bag would look great with a Valtrex logo.

2. Passages Recovery Center.  Tiger can detail his 12-steps to complete douchbaggery.

3. Trojan.  Seems like a no-brainer.  Except he doesn’t use the product.

4. Larry H. Parker.  He’s going to need a good attorney when Elin is done with him.

5. Bunny Ranch.  Buy 10 hookers, get the 11th free.

NASA Spends Billions. Brit Uses Bubble Gum and Shoepolish.

I see my house

Check out the photo above.

What do you think it would take to snap that pic?  If you’re NASA, billions of dollars and bureaucracy the size of Greece’s national debt.  If you’re Brit Robert Harrison, you need a digital camera, duct tape (of course),  and a weather balloon.

Harrison figured out a way to turn those basic elements into these amazing shots.  Even the so-called pros are flabbergasted,  “A guy phoned up who worked for NASA. He wanted to know how the hell we did it,” Harrison tells the London Times.  “He thought we used a rocket. They said it would have cost them millions of dollars.”  And it would have.

This proves one thing.  Duct tape once again has cemented its place as the greatest substance known to man.

NASA ... Suck on this

Going to shoot some serious aerial porn

Memo to Tebow: “Shut The F*ck Up”

It's good to be the king

It appears Tim Tebow’s peers aren’t as enamoured with the chosen one as members of the media.

If you’ll recall, Saint Tebow went through a serious ball washing his last year at Florida, especially around bowl time.

But today’s reports are that Timmy got a different reception at the recent NFL combine in Indianapolis.  Right before the Wonderlic intelligence test, his holy Quarterbackness asked his fellow NFL hopefuls to join him in a prayer.  The answer from an unidentified source was a resounding, “Shut the fuck up.” Laughter ensued.  Welcome to the league.   You’re not in Gainesville anymore.

What’s the lesson here?  Keep the Jesus, Buddah, Allah, or Xenu to yourself until you start winning pro football games.  When that happens, you’ll be able to do and say whatever you want.  Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.

NCAA Tourney Brackets. Time to Fling Some Poo Against The Wall

"Dude, you always take all the #12 seeds!"

March Madness.  College basketball this time of the year means one thing … gambling.

Don’t be fooled by any of the bullsh*t you hear from CBS Sports this month about the purity of competition by student athletes, history of the game, blah, blah blah….

One thing drives the popularity of the tourney, and it’s those insidious little sheets of paper sprawled across offices all over the country.  Those 64 slots that we whittle down to one, and the $20, winner take all prize.  That’s why America cares.

I know that college basketball is a great game with a huge following.  But seriously, think about what happens this time of year.   Your wife, girlfriend, co-worker you made out with at the Christmas party,  is asking you where the hell Butler University is and what the team colors are (Indianapolis, blue & white).

That’s what makes the NCAA tournament transcendent.  Because everybody watches.  And everybody watches because mama needs a new pair of shoes.

Kids Exposed to Playboy Channel. Lucky Little Bastards

What's he going to do with that?!?

Who says the cable companies are incompetent?  Definitely not boys in North Carolina.  Because of an awesome wire crossing, Time Warner ran Playboy channel content on the same stations that were supposed to show Kids on Demand, and Kids Preschool on Demand.  If you’re a 8-year-old boy in Carolina, Christmas came early!

A spokeswoman for Time Warner said the mix-up occurred between 6:14 and 8:15 a.m. on Tuesday.   She also said the content shown were previews, not the actual movies themselves.   “We deeply regret it happened, particularly on channels dedicated to children’s programming.  We’re making fixes now to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Doesn’t happen again?  The children are the future.  We need to teach them well and let them lead the way.   Show them all the beauty they possess inside.  For their sake, I hope Time Warner continues their idiocy.  Let porn run free.

Ed. note:  This takes me back my own youth.  Watching a fuzzy channel 98 here in L.A., hoping to catch a clear glimpse of unbridled sex for the first time.  I hope all the children out there know how lucky they are.  We had to work so hard for porn back in the ’80′s.

What Doesn’t Belong Here? Utah. GOP. Hot Tub.

"If 15 isn't legal, it should be."

There is so much to love about politics these days.  Obviously I’m not talking about the decisive action and inspiring leadership.  No, it appears our elected officials have become masters of hypocrisy.

The latest to show off his true colors is Utah’s House majority leader, Republican Kevin Garn.  The 55-year old white guy (as if there were any question here) admitted that he paid a woman $150,000 to shut her yap about a naked “hot-tubbing” incident.  Ed.  note: There is no better phrase on this planet than “naked hot-tubbing incident”.  So why the hush money?  When the “hot-tubbing” in question occurred, the girl was a ripe and ready … 15 years old.  Whoops.  Garn says the being in a hot tub with a a high schooler was a “spur of the moment” thing.”  “We sat there and that was it,” Garn said.

I believe that.  Don’t you?

The cash was doled out back in 2002 during an unsuccessful U.S. congressional bid.  Now he claims he’s coming forward because the woman has been calling news outlets with the story.  No doubt she wanted more cash, Garn said no, and now she’s pissed.  Karma is a bitch.

How is this playing out in Utah, the bosom of the Mormon Church?  Not so good.  The Salt Lake Tribune is calling for his resignation.  And rumors are that the Joseph Smith is calling for him to turn in his special underwear and three of his seven wives.

And his political party?  The GOP doesn’t care.  Just another morally upstanding Republican who is a closet degenerate.  Love it.

Tiger Woods Turns Down $75 Million. Must Be Nice.

Douche and Douchier

Sponsors have been running away from Tiger Woods faster than he can take down a Perkins waitress.  But the Buck Toothed One has so much cash, he’s got the balls to turn down $75 million.

Woods told Irish gambling company Paddy Power to take their sponsorship offer of $75 million and shove it.

But Paddy Power got Tiger to do exactly what they wanted.  They knew he’d turn it down and it would be a news story.  So mission accomplished and now you’ve heard of an obscure Irish gambling website.   The drunks over in Ireland say they’ll sweeten the offer to Woods.  But I guess a billion dollars in the bank allow you to be picky.

Couples Saving Champions Tour One Cougar At A Time

Cougar Bait

This past weekend, I attended the PGA Senior Tour Event in Newport Beach.  Just for clarification, I refuse to call it the “Champions” tour.  You’re old, deal with it.

Buzz-sawing through the field was former world number one, Fred Couples, who just turned 50.   Fred appears poised to beat down the other old guys at every senior tournament this season.   At the Toshiba Classic, “Boom Boom”, shot 66-64-65, and coasted in with an easy four shot victory.  But that wasn’t the story.

The story was …. COUGAR INVASION!  Couples has long been a fan favorite with the ladies.  And this weekend, the leathery white woman of Orange County wanted themselves a piece of Freddie.  He’s a good looking, single, multi-millionaire.   Chum in the water.

In fact, tournament officials ended up playing the part of Roy Scheider in Jaws as he throws fish guts and blood off the back of the boat.  “Your gonna need a bigger boat,” he famously growls as the shark surfaces the water.  This weekend, in the wave of silicone and leopard print descending on the Toshiba Classic, officials needed a bigger boat.  To fend off the ladies in heat, the tourney was forced to call in … extra cougar security.

So with batons and rubber bullets ready, the equivalent of golf bouncers escorted Couples around the course, avoiding  the throngs of old broads hoping against hope for one last shot at a gravy train.

Despite the unintentional comedy, this bodes well for a golf tour that struggles against obscurity.   As long as Fred Couples plays, count on a high MILF content at “Champions” tour events.